PINKBUNNIESLIPPERS

Somewhere during the cancer fiasco my personality, outlook and energy changed. What I focus on now I am very careful with. I don't waste time on too much of the small stuff. Sometimes the old me creeps back as time and attention drift farther from the whole experience. If I don't keep myself in check I do find I get frantic at lost keys, a messy house, a bad day at work etc. These things all tend to work themselves out I remind myself. Sit down and have a glass of wine. Poof suddenly I remember where I laid the keys down. What it boils down to is being aware of the moment. Life slips by at such a fast pace it's hard to take that deep breath and just FEEL. This is the life you have, the moments you have to live, the love and hurt to experience. I let go of the past. I so use the mantra that no matter how much you regret something or have something in the past that makes you angry, sad or depressed no amount of mulling it over will ever change what happened. It's the key to the bus named moving on. It doesn't mean you have to lay it aside, forget about it but it is what it is.
That said I can not have children. It is the one thing I can't seem to completely get over and move on from. I am trying. It hurts and is a raw pain that won't heal. It's a wound I live with but with there was a bandaid for to make it well. I am trying. I now at least breath a sigh of relief when friends or co workers tell tales of their teenagers gone astray, the late nights up worrying, the marriages that strain an dbuckle under the pressure. I will be spared that anguish. But throw a talkative four year old in my path and I turn to a gelatinous mess.